Published: 16 February 2011 Written by Bob Stone
Qualities That Build Friendships
What are the effects of friendlessness on men and women?
Today people are building fewer friendships and the result is having a destructive effect on many. Before we discuss the specific effects, the following letter addressed to an insurance company illustrates how we need the help of others and why we should not try to function alone. The author is unknown. We will call the letter "Trying to do the job alone."
This letter is a humorous but graphic way to illustrate why we should not function independently in life.The individual effects of friendlessness-and its solution-are seen in Ecclesiastes 4:8-12. "There was a man all alone... " v. 8a. The primary effect of friendlessness on individuals in our society is loneliness, a word that describes one of the most desolate conditions known to man. The ache of separation, the dread of isolation is the tragic condition of many in America. Sure, from time to time it's good to get away from others in a self-imposed solitude, to pray and get your head together. But most would agree loneliness is healthy only in moderation.
How lonely are people today? It depends on what segment of the world's population you ask. Americans, for instance, tend to be some of the loneliest people on the planet. In most societies, people do not experience loneliness, at least to the nagging, acute, and painful degree of Americans and many in the Western world. In other cultures people are rarely alone, physically or emotionally. Relatives, neighbors, and even strangers are a normal part of everyone's life. Not so in America!
Lets broaden our discussion on friendship now, and consider the following questions concerning all kinds of friendships, including that between a husband and wife.
This isn't just a singles problem, nor should single people be classified as lonely. Loneliness is a problem that apparently isn't being solved either by being married or by being single.
Loneliness is causing devastating problems for all of society. Robert Brain says: "Unlike any other cultures, our acute loneliness must be seriously considered in any search for a solution to nagging contemporary societal problems. Loneliness, and a lack of commitment to others, are factors in our high suicide, divorce, alcoholism, drug, murder, rape, and abortion rates"—Ibid, p. 127.
Unfortunately, this problem of friendlessness exists even in our churches. Larry Richards says, "In church we sit together and sing together and greet one another cheerily as we leave at the end of a service. We do all of these things, sometimes for years, without forming any real personal Christian relationships... The church, therefore, becomes a place where Christians live alone together"—The Friendless American Male, p. 21.
Here's a perfect picture of a man who had become slave to the pursuit of success, working long hours to amass more wealth, yet never having asked himself the obvious questions.
The questions the lonely (successful or "wanna be") need to ask are universal:
Some as a result give up, but many keep working, hoping that endless work will bring contentment. Does it? No! People who work compulsively do not do so because of the contentment they receive, but often for reasons alluded to in the next verse: their enjoyment and for the sake of others.
Does enjoyment come from work? If there is no one to work for or with, there is no enjoyment. For the person described here, Solomon says there is:
But then something happens to the lonely man described by Solomon.
One of my favorite examples is the story of the Garden of Gethsemane. In our Lord's greatest hour of need, did he try to go it alone? No, he called his inner circle of friends (Peter, James and John) to be with Him. Listen to what he said in Matthew 26:36-38. "Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, 'Sit here while I go over there and pray.' 37} He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38} Then he said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.'"
I know what it means to have a friend, to have many friends when falling down under the weight of pressure and stress. This was the case when my soul was overwhelmed with sorrow during my own emotional crisis many years ago. When I stood by my mother's bed while she was comatose for months, I thought I would die under the pressure and the questions we faced about life support systems and feeding tubes, etc., but I had friends to help me. Nancy came to me and asked me to read Psalm 77. Her care and spiritual support was just what I needed.
Jesus had someone to lean on, and I have someone to lean on. But if someone doesn't, then what? Solomon tells us: "But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"—v. 10b. We are dependent creatures, and when we choose not to rely on another, we risk staying down and defeated after we have fallen. But a friend can lift us up, dust us off, and help us get going again.
But this verse refers to more than marriage. It also applies to comforting and supporting a person in an unguarded state, confronting a situation involving potentially threatening elements which will not go away. In our modern world, some examples are the first day at a new job, the beginning week in a new school, abusive treatment. During times like these we need a friend by our side to give us warmth-to offer what is lacking in ourselves and help us draw upon the warmth of our relationship with our God.
The autonomous and self-sufficient man or women, however, will find it hard to obtain this warmth alone-"But how can one keep warm alone?—v. 11b.
What will be the strength of two people praying and acting in the strength their Lord supplies? Two can defend themselves and defeat the obstacles. Two outfitted with the armor of Christ and the sword of the Spirit, and surrounded by prayer, can see much accomplished and much of the enemy's activities defeated-Eph. 6:10-18. But Solomon's statement is not limited strictly to physical and spiritual dangers. A companion can, for instance, help thwart vicious rumors and other verbal abuses launched against us.
But friendship alone isn't the cure-all to life's problems. If two are better than one, what could be better? Three, of course.
Certainly this could be a veiled reference to our Lord-that any relationship/friendship in Christ will be not just a two-stranded rope, but one that is entwined with Him. He will provide the strength to keep you strong. He's been there with you in the hard and joyous occasions of your life. Without that third strand, your lives would never achieve their potential.
But in addition, I think Solomon is pointing out another important fact about friendship. He could be pointing out that we should seek to cultivate more than one friendship for our own strength. The more committed companions we have, the less likely we are to suffer the devastating pangs of loneliness.
With this overview of the effects of positive relationships in mind, there is a need for specific teaching on how to build friendships.
Jesus formed relationships with men and women as well as children, but He related differently to each one.
But this isn't the highest form of friendship!
Solomon's writing and the example of David and Jonathan places emphasis upon a number of specific principles of friendship, basic themes which appear in different examples throughout Scripture. This list will help us see which spiritual and/or personality traits may need to be added to our lives. They will not necessarily be in their order of priority, or in the order in which they should appear.
If the relationship isn't God-centered, or both are nonbelievers, the outcome is obvious:
Prov. 12:26—"A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray."But if the friends are believers, they have the capacity to be instruments of God to each other. For example, in one of the meetings David and Jonathan had, you can see that the most important factor to both of these men was their relationship to the Lord and to each other—1 Sam. 20:41-42.Prov. 13:20—"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm" (See 2 Cor. 6:14-16).
They had come to the conclusion that David's life was in danger from Jonathan's father, King Saul, and met to discuss it. "After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most." 42] Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town."
Jonathan was living in order that David might realize God's best in his life, and David reciprocated. This for us is a beautiful picture of the end result of true God-centered friendship, each excited to see God's will fulfilled in the other's life.
Another principle of friendship we see in Solomon's father and Proverbs is:
What do we mean by a covenant? It is a promise, a commitment—1 Sam. 18:3. "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself"—1 Sam. 18:3. Fair weather friends are easy to find; in Proverbs we read that wealth adds many friends.
Prov. 14:20—"The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends."But a friendship built on mutual commitment/covenant is rare. Prov. 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." That's the friend we want!Prov. 19:4—"Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him."
How do we show evidence of this friendship? Virtually every important relationship or event in our society is acknowledged with ritual and ceremony and witnessed by people; marriage is the best illustration. In America, however, the important relationship of friendship is devoid of any type of ceremony and covenant formation. When people decide to be friends, rarely is there a tangible commitment made. A covenant/commitment should have some tangible signs.
To outwardly show his friendship for David, Jonathan took off his robe, tunic, belt, sword, and bow and gave them all to his dear friend—1 Sam. 18:3-4. David later made the same covenant with Jonathan—1 Sam. 20:12-17,23. Therefore, when we choose to acknowledge our commitment to a friend, we should give a tangible sign or expression. It is vital that friends know we care about them personally. This is what I need to work on. I might do something for someone, but I need to verbalize to them that whatever I do is just a small expression of my care and love for them.
Another principle of friendship we see in Solomon's father and Proverbs is very close to the last. It is really an outgrowth of the commitment that has been made:
Prov. 17:17—"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."A friend is faithful in hard times, willing to stand with you in adversity. Few things are more irritating than someone who is unpredictable, who cannot be counted on when you really need him. Faithfulness is critical to a close, relationship because we trust and depend upon those close to us.
Prov. 27:10—"Do not forsake your friend"
Prov. 3:3—"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart"
(Also read Psalm 55:12-14; Prov. 16:28;17:9).
It is interesting that Christ's circle of closest companions deserted and denied him in His darkest hour. Likewise, David was wounded emotionally more by the treachery of his close friends than by the efforts of his enemies. He pours out his disappointment with his friends in Psalm 55:12-14: "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God."
Prov. 17:17—"A friend loves at all times, even when we offend him."
Prov. 17:9—"He who covers over an offense promotes love... "Example: Job 6:14, 12:4, 42:7
A faithful friend also keeps confidences.
Prov. 16:28—"A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends." Prov. 17:9—"... whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."Few things destroy a friendship sooner than the one who can't keep a confidence.
There is also vulnerability in friendship, and this is one reason betrayal is so evil and faithfulness so virtuous.
Prov. 27:10—"Do not forsake your friend... "Another principle of friendship we see in Solomon's father and Proverbs is the expression of love and faithfulness:
Prov. 3:29—"Do not plot harm against your neighbor who lives trustfully near you."
Prov. 17:10—"A rebuke impresses a man of discernment"A true friend will show candor and honesty in his communication with you. The one who will level with you or even rebuke you is far better than one who is insincere, or speaks false words of affection—Prov. 27:6. The biting words of a true friend may hurt your pride and feelings at the moment, but over the long haul you'll be much better off for having heard them.
Prov. 27:6—"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
Prov. 27:9—"Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel."
By contrast, the flattery or neglect of a false friend can bring harm in the long run (see Prov. 29:5—"Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet"). Refusing to speak rebuke can also actually bring harm—1 Kings 1:6 ("His father had never interfered with him by asking, 'Why do you behave as you do?' He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom").
The candor of a friend can provide the perspective or point of view needed to help you make wise decisions. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another"—Prov. 27:17. We learn and grow when we listen to different ideas.
Caution: Remember that candor, in the biblical sense, means you always have the interests and well-being of the other person in mind when you speak. What will keep our candor and rebukes from harming our friends? What is it that will be needed most of the time in the building of friendships? The next principle sums up what is needed in most of our communication with our friends:
Eph. 4:29—"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."Think about it. What qualities in another person are you attracted to? There are several that come up in survey after survey. We won't take the time to go into them, but there are basic human traits that draw men and women together.
Col. 4:6—"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Prov. 22:11—"He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend."
Scripture speaks of several other qualities that enable and enhance friendship:
Why is it so important in friendship to listen to the heart? Proverbs 27:9 explains, "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." How do we get to know hearts? Prov. 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." This is one of my favorite verses for friendship and for counseling. What does it mean to listen to the heart? In a nutshell, it means we need a friend who has a bucket. Or, we need to have a bucket, to listen to our friends and draw them out.
Look at the key words of Proverbs 20:5:
Purposes: plans, counsel, resolve, deliberation, determination. These are often in the deep waters of our soul, so deep we don't know what is in our heart. What do we need? What should be done with a bucket?
Draws: To let down a bucket for drawing out water; figuratively, to deliver and draw out, lift up.
Understanding: implies skillfulness in discerning between right and wrong—to be perceptive. It is to know how to use the knowledge one possesses. Therefore if I can't understand myself, I need to get together with an understanding person/a wise friend, one who will help me draw out my heart.
Prov. 15:14—"The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly;"
1 Cor. 12:10—"..to another distinguishing between spirits... " [a spiritual gift]
Prov. 26:24-26: 24] "A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. 25] Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly." We must discern the disguises and the deception.
What does that reveal about God? He is waiting with a compassionate heart for us to speak what is in the depths of our being. Is it possible God speaks with His ears? Is the most eloquent message of God to us His silence?
Another key factor in building an established friendship is: